Are You in a Rocky Marriage?

Are You in a Rocky Marriage?

You may already be aware your marriage is not at its best or reading this could open your eyes to what is actually going on within your marriage.

There are 5 signs that I’ll go into more detail.  They may seem very obvious once you’ve heard them from someone else. It’s hard to hear someone saying they think your marriage has come to an end.  It’s even harder admitting to yourself something is not right, especially in your marriage as you never thought divorce would happen to you.

When your marriage feels like its hard work every day.  You’re feeling miserable and constantly trying to make it work, then your marriage could be coming to an end. It’s ok not to work hard at your marriage all the time. Of course, marriages are hard and yes, you do have to work at them together but it shouldn’t always be hard. The time spent working constantly at your marriage is the time that could be spent on you, with your children (if you have any) and your life.

It can sometimes take time for you to realise that something is not right in your marriage.  Or it could be a sudden hurricane of sadness and heartache to realise it. It’s about trying to spot the possible warning signs before it can turn into a spiteful conflict where hate could replace the love for your partner. By being aware of the early signs it could mean an amicable separation ending with friendship.

Not being allowed time for yourself?

This I know because having children, I seem to have my time filled with them and very little time for myself.  But, it is important in any marriage and for your own sanity to have time just for you. I know what you all might be saying “but there are not enough hours in the day and I have other priorities before me”.

Take it from me, the time and effort to make time for yourself will be worth it.  If your partner gets jealous of the time that you put by for yourself to be alone even if just for 30 minutes then this is a sign that something isn’t right.  It’s also a sign of problems if you feel you don’t want to have time to yourself and be independent, you may be establishing some co-dependant tendencies.  If it’s come to that time in your marriage when you can’t spend time on your own. If your partner gets irritated or resentful then a line has been crossed. You have come to a stage where your partner loves you, but in an unhealthy way.

Arguments

Arguments in a marriage or relationship are very natural and for the most part quite healthy, my husband and I argue and bicker all the time but I feel it makes my marriage stronger.  In a marriage, especially when you spend so much time with one another, the stresses of life, work, children and money are all common causes of arguments.  So ensure to make time for yourself, I do and it works.   

An argument can on occasions clear the air.  No marriage is perfect 100% of the time, no matter what some people want you to believe about their own relationships.  What works best, I have found, is to try and deal with a problem before it comes to a problem.  Tlking about a sensitive subject when we are in bed or having dinner rather than bringing it up when we are rowing.

Friends are important

Your friends are important to you as they are the people you confide in as well as take their advice when needed. I have some very good friends but possibly only a few I confide in with anything personal to me. You will have some friends that may just be nosey regarding your marriage.  They will give opinions even when you’re not close and they know nothing about your situation. This can be irritating so just ignore them as best as you can.

It’s your best friends that matter.  When they start to have alarm bells ringing and wanting to talk to you about your partner, making sure you’re ok, discreetly then something must be wrong. Sometimes we get so close to the problem that we can become blind to it.  If your best friends, all of a sudden, start talking negatively about your partner then listen up and take a step back, do they have a point?

As much as people hate to admit it, luxuries can keep you in a relationship longer than you should be.  The enjoyment of having that feeling of being spoiled to make up for the affection is what’s really going on. But, we don’t see it like that, we have our blinkers on. It may be the case, that you and your partner may have shared finances and the thought about separating them could seem daunting.  I’d be scared too, especially now that I have children. You could be making yourself sick thinking ‘how can I pay for everything on my own’. I know if I found myself in that position I would be sick to my stomach.

Shared Finances

During your marriage, shared finances can help you feel secure and safe. For most, this is the same if your spouse was in charge of paying for everything financially, bills, house the list could go on.  Unfortunately, this could also be the way of controlling you to stay in the relationship which is worrying in itself.  You need to figure out if money is being used against you.

Your partner may have been everything to you, your best friend, soul mate and the person that you get to be affectionate with.  But, one thing you should not be, is their support system 24 hours a day. My partner and I are everything to each other.  However, I make sure that I have time to myself at least once a day and I also make sure he has time for himself. It’s a lot of pressure and unfair and its definitely not healthy for either of you. Yes, people do have bad days and in a marriage, you are there to support and comfort them. But if this is every day and you’re feeling suffocated by their neediness, then you are right.  This behaviour can be overwhelming.

I have a very close friend whose husband sulks and gets petty if she wants to go to the gym or to the hairdresser.  He is constantly moaning to her that she should spend the time with him. It’s not ok to feel suffocated, I know I would feel trapped if someone wanted my attention and support 24/7. I would be wondering where my support is! I would need to have some space to rejuvenate myself to be able to give my husband 100%. In a marriage it’s a two-way street, where you should be experiencing life together with the highs and lows. Definitely not being your partner’s constant support system. If your marriage is running along this path then it’s time to think about what’s best to do for YOU and HIM.

Summary

  • You not being allowed time to yourself, as previously advised, everybody needs time to themselves.
  • Constantly fighting and arguing. Never a good sign for this to be happening and you need to really think hard about what’s happening in your marriage.
  • Friends being your eyes and ears to your marriage. Your best friends are the ones to listen to as they care about you and want what’s best for you and your partner. It may be hard to hear but they wouldn’t be saying anything if it didn’t matter.
  • Being financially tied to each other or relying on the other for luxury items or just supporting them financially. There are ways to cope so don’t worry.
  • Being dependant on each other in every way, this can become suffocating as well as tiresome. This is extremely unhealthy for both of you in your marriage.

Of course, all of these signs are hard to hear.  It may make you realise that you have been ignoring them and think everything is ok.  You may constantly tell yourself it’s just a phase. I would do this too, as it’s better than thinking my marriage might be failing and divorce could be on the cards. When you realise that your heart and mind deserve to be healthy. You need the stability to make yourself happy, whether it is with your partner or being on your own then it is time to take action. Remember you are loved and it will get better, communication is key to happy, healthy relationships.

What every person MUST know before they start a divorce

 

Are You in a Rocky Marriage? was last modified: November 6th, 2019 by John Fuller

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